Swearing At Me By The Manager

by Leanne
(Cold Lake, Alberta Canada)

On several occasions my manager has sweared at me using the f word. The next day she has apoligized but I am having a hard time letting it go and really don't think it's appropriate.
What should I do? I would like to have a pocket tape recorder so if she does it again I can issue a complaint to my union

Reply from Shelley

Hi Leanne

This is always a tough one - giving your manager feedback. However, it can be done successfully. This article on managing your boss may be useful for you to read.

There are two issues here that you need to take care of.

1. Making sure your performance is adequate
2. Your manager's swearing

Is your performance adequate?

One of the first things you need to think about is ... what leads to the swearing - is it something you have or haven't done that s/he was expecting ... in other words have you let him or her down in some way? Or is it totally out of left field and has little to do with you?

I'm going to make the assumption that it is something to do with your performance (or lack thereof), which has your manager steaming up.

The first is, are you are performing to your best? Is there something you could/should be doing differently that would stop your manager from getting cross with you. If you know that you are under-performing - then fix your performance so that you deliver what it is the manager wants.

Addressing Your Manager's Swearing

The second issue is the swearing. Your manager is quite within his/her right to address any under-performance. However, s/he is not within his/her right to swear at you ... no matter how justified they feel.

So, you need to have a conversation with your manager - at a time when things are going along okay - to let him or her know that the swearing is unacceptable to you and that you would like any performance issues raised with you in a different manner.

So, when the time is right, (i.e. there is no tension between you both) you could say to your manager something like:

I'd like to set up a time for your and I to chat about how we can make sure that I produce the results that you and the business want.

What you are doing with a statement like this is you are letting him or her know that you are on the same or a similar page to him or her - and this isn't you going in to whine and complain. If you say something like "I want to set up a time to discuss with you, your swearing at me" you will immediately have your manager on the defensive and the tone of the meeting is off to a poor start.

When it comes time to have the conversation, say something like...


I know that productivity and delivering what our business needs (or some other thing that is important to your manager) is important to you - and I want to let you know that it is important to me as well

Now you can only say the second half of this sentence - if it truly is important you you. If it isn't important then don't say it - you'll come across as faking it and the conversation will go south from there. And if the business unit's goals etc aren't important to you - then you are probably in the wrong job/organization - so time to look for another.

Opening the conversation with this statement is again reminding your manager that you have similar goals to him and her. Then you can go on to saying something like:

I want to talk to you about the other day when you swore at me .. I know you have apologized and I appreciate you having done that, but I need to let you know that when you swear at me it has a negative impact on my performance, as I find it distracts me from the work I should be focused upon. I'm wondering if there is a way you and I could work out, so that when something goes wrong you and I have a easy conversation that enables you to get the results you want without needing to swear at me and I can stay focused upon doing my job to the best of my capability.

Now you won't use those exact words but the intent is that you are letting your manager know that you want to do your job well AND that his or her behavior isn't acceptable to you ... without you speaking or acting like a victim.

The outcome you are looking for from this conversation is an agreement between you and your manager about how you will interact with each other when a problem occurs.

Challenging Relationships and Your Vibe

You may have read elsewhere on the site that I am a very firm believer in the law of attraction ... so I do suggest you look within yourself and ask yourself a question like "What type of thoughts and feelings am I constantly focused upon that would cause me to attract this type of behavior to me?"

From a law of attraction perspective - unless you clear this fundamental part right ... then even if you were to quit your job or call the union in ... the same pattern of behavior will be attracted to you ... it will just be a different person performing it. Take the time to clean up you vibe and this type of issue won't be a problem for you anymore.

See this article on where attention goes, energy flows for more on how your thinking impacts on the things that come your way.