"My boss. Nothing I do is good enough. It might be the smallest thing, but he always has to point out something I've done wrong. And he's always putting more and more pressure on me. Unrealistic deadlines, and not enough people to get everything done. I'm working huge hours and I think I'm losing it."
"Sounds like managing your boss needs to come to the top of your priority list."
"You'd better believe it."
And that's an atypical beginning of a coaching session when someone feels they are out-of-control because of their manager.
All too often we start in jobs, excited by the challenges ahead of us, the desire to prove our worth and to create new relationships with our boss and co-workers. Then ...
after a few months (often it's called the 100 day honeymoon) reality starts to kick in.
The boss you thought so wonderful turns into a tyrannical maniac, or a uninspiring indecisive wimp, or a good communicator with little substance or a ..... you get the picture!
Even the most inspiring of leaders can, at times, lead you into circumstances that are stressful, discouraging or that leaves you feeling that not only is your boat not being floated - you are on the wrong boat!
It is at this point that you are in danger of having your relationship with your boss deteriorate beyond repair.
Signs that Managing Your Boss Should Become A Priority For You:
You aren't looking forward to going to work and interacting with your boss
You feel the hairs on your body stand on end when s/he comes toward you
You are starting to feel that you hardly ever get it done right
You have a bigger work load than you have capacity for and things are starting to slip
You are consistently working late into the night and on weekends
What Not To Do When Managing Your Boss
Here's some things I've seen people try that are worth avoiding:
Assigning 100% of the blame on your boss - you are probably contributing something to the situation
Complaining to everyone else except your boss - those you are complaining to generally can't fix the problem
Giving your boss a piece of your mind when you are in a high state of emotion - it will only escalate the situation
Convincing yourself that you should get another job - unless you are absolutely 100% sure that you aren't contributing at all to the situation (most unlikely) - you go with you and so does the problem.
Not asking for his/her opinion of you (see below for what to do)
Saying Yes to everything they ask of you - you'll probably end up under-delivering and then they'll jump more on your case
Ignoring or not saying anything about their poor behavior - no denying it, this one's a challenge - see below for more details - but if you don't address their poor behavior you are asking for havoc
Not making sure you understand the key home runs you need to hit in order for him/her to see you as successful. (Your job description and what the boss wants from you can be two distinctly different things)
Jumping the Chain of Command This will probably only increase the conflict between you and your boss and you may even suffer some retribution. Only use it as a last resort.
Trying to hide problems - you'll end up in deeper water and definitely with your boat sinking
Giving up after your first attempt at getting your boss to modify his/her behavior - - Rome wasn't built in a day, the Titanic can't be turned on a dime: don't expect your boss (or anyone else, for that matter) to change from one conversation
What To Do When Managing Your Boss
Take a Good Long Hard Look At Yourself. What are you doing that is contributing to the problem. Are you asking good enough questions when being assigned tasks? Are you communicating to your boss the workload you currently have? Have you avoided informing your boss when something s/he has done has had a negative impact on you. (If you don't have the skills to successfully handle challenging conversations then you need to join us at the next Successful Conversations Teleseminar Series)
Change Your Behavior Try to identify what it is your manager wants more/less from you, then make some modifications. Then, and only then, ask for your boss' feedback and whether the changes you are making are in alignment with what s/he wants
Get Clear About What You Want How much time have you spent thinking about and writing down the type of work situation you want. You attract to you that which you give focus to. So be deliberate and spend some time really thinking about how you would like to be treated at work, what you'd like to achieve, how you'd like to contribute, how you'd like to interact with others.
Set Boundaries Decide what you are willing to accept and not accept. For example, my boss can make sarcastic comments, but I will not tolerate her shouting at me.
Then get clear what you will do if your boss crosses that boundary. This can be challenging, but very freeing when done well. You can do anything from saying "Do you realize that you have (e.g. raised your voice?)" to "Please be advised that I will not tolerate (e.g. you raising your voice at me). I request that you stop right now". Done well this is often a show-stopper and the person may never repeat that behavior with you again.
Set it on The Right Track When the Work is Being Assigned When your boss is assigning work to you make sure the discussion includes current workload you have, order of priorities and dates s/he wants things delivered by.
Think Through Carefully the Conversation You need to have with your boss to rectify any situation which isn't going as well as you would like. Download the planning sheet taken from the "Allowing Communication" Workshop to help you prepare for the conversation
Manage Your Emotional State Make sure that you mentally and emotionally prepare yourself before any interaction with your boss. Think about your Big Picture (taken from the Planning Sheet) to ensure that you stay aligned with what it is you do want, not just get caught up in the moment.
Walk A Mile In Your Bosses Shoes Do you know the pressures your boss is facing? Have you asked him/her what stresses/problems/challenges s/he is up against. You may or may not be able to help him/her with any of it, if you can then terrific go ahead and be part of his/her solution. S/he will love you for it. If you can't help, at least you'll be more understanding of why s/he is behaving the way they are
Know Your Boss', Your Team's and Your Organization's Goals When you do, you can link the impact of his/her behavior, on you, your issue and on the goals. It also gives you a framework and context within which you can better understand why things are being asked of you
Understand Your Boss' Preferred Communication Style Use a tool such as DISC to identify your own style of communication and then use it to assess your boss' preferred style. This one thing may be all you need to get your relationship humming if you are prepared to flex your style
Use the Law of Attraction Spend time each day visualizing and feeling the emotion of what it will be like when you and your boss have a supportive, inspirational, engaging relationship. Become the type of person you want him/her to be and you will probably find that slowly but surely s/he begins to model your positive way of being
Let Them Know About Your Successes This doesn't mean running into his/her office every time you do something, but do make sure that you accurately and regularly communicate with your boss hurdles you've overcome and solutions you've implemented.
Let Your Boss Know When S/he Gets It Right You love it when you get positive feedback right? ... Don't you think your boss does too? You can do it in such a way that it doesn't feel like you are fawning. If you stick to communicating to your boss the specific behavior that you appreciated, it will come across as sincere and appropriate.
Keep Work At Work This is probably a stressful time, so don't take it home and dump on your family and friends. Make sure you keep a good network of people who aren't connected with your job, 'play' with them regularly and leave your work blues there - at work!
If you've been shying away from managing your boss, you really don't need to. Yes, it can be challenging and can have some risk attached, but is doing nothing getting you anywhere? If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got - right?!
Take a Good Long Hard Look At Yourself. What are you doing that is contributing to the problem. Are you asking good enough questions when being assigned tasks? Are you communicating to your boss the workload you currently have? Have you avoided informing your boss when something s/he has done has had a negative impact on you. (If you don't have the skills to successfully handle challenging conversations then you need to join us at the next Successful Conversations Teleseminar Series)
Walk A Mile In Your Bosses Shoes Do you know the pressures your boss is facing? Have you asked him/her what stresses/problems/challenges s/he is up against. You may or may not be able to help him/her with any of it, if you can then terrific go ahead and be part of his/her solution. S/he will love you for it. If you can't help, at least you'll be more understanding of why s/he is behaving the way they are
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