Improve Communication In The Workplace
By Handling Difficult Personalities

You can improve communication in the workplace when you understand how to better handle the personality quirks of others and why sometimes even the people you like frustrate the heck out of you.

Most people have distinctive personality traits - which is their way of dealing with the world (both inwardly and outwardly).

For example some people are laid back with a happy-go-lucky/devil-may-care attitude toward life. For others, that way of being is hard to get their head around and they much prefer to have things precise, tight, controlled.

The reality is we need to deal with all differing personality types (just as others need to deal with our personality foibles!). Understanding what causes people to behave the way they do and having strategies to better influence these people will definitely help make your life easier and more successful.

Transactional Analysis (TA), developed by Dr Eric Berne in the late 1950's, is a useful tool that helps you to understand what makes you and others tick and helps you to enrich your interactions with all types of people and improve communication in the workplace.

According to TA when we interact with others we do so from one of three states. We can talk as a parent would, speak and interact as a child would or communicate as an adult would.

We don't actually have separate compartments like this within us and in the space of a single conversation you could easily flick between each of the three states! But a model such as this makes it easier for us to understand personality traits and gives us a common language ... which helps us improve our interactions with others.

At one time or another, everyone will display the characteristics associated with each of the three Ego states. However, most people have a 'home zone' that they are more inclined to go to in times of stress or pressure. Different people are more tuned in, (much like tuning into the wavelength of a particular radio state), to some States than others. For example a person may tune in and use the Parent Ego State far more regularly than the Adult or Child.

The better you are able to identify the Ego State of another person and respond from a wavelength that complements theirs, the more effective your communication in the workplace will be.

Let's get to know the types of words, tone of voice, body language and facial expressions each Ego State uses ... then you'll be able to recognize the part of another person's personality you are dealing with and can make choices about how to respond effectively to them so you get the results you want.

The Parent Ego State - And How It Can Stop Communication In The Workplace Dead!

The Parent Ego state contains the values, beliefs, attitudes, traditions, prejudices, opinions and behaviours you recorded as a child ... which are generally handed down generation to generation ... with (unfortunately in many instances) little to no editing.

There are two aspects of Parent that you would have recorded:

The Critical Parent is controlling and restrictive and uses words like:

• You must
• You should
• Never
• It is inappropriate to
• That's not how we do things around here

Many organizations still use the Command and Control type organization structure - and in this type of organization you find a lot of Critical Parents in operation. The Critical Parent (sometimes known as the Controlling Parent) has not only a very negative impact on communication in the workplace but more often than not on performance as well.

A person with a strong Critical Parent, will generally be very rule bound, wants things done his/her way - regardless of the needs of the situation - and often stifles creativity and 'thinking out of the square' behavior. They tend to be critical and bossy in their style - and consequently often not very liked.

A person who frequently uses the Critical Parent style can be challenging to work with ... particularly when he or she finds themselves in a leadership role. They try to 'shape' everyone up to perform and behave in the way they think: 'this is how things should be done around here'.

To improve communication in the workplace a bit more Nurturing Parent may well be needed in many organizations - they can be a bit slim on the ground in most Western businesses. Do you have one or two people in your workplace who notices when others are stressed and overwhelmed and makes them a cup of coffee, or really goes out of their way to show the 'new person around? If so, these are people who have a strong Nurturing Parent Ego State.

The upside of the Nurturing Parent is that they help people to feel good and take care of them. The downside for a person, who is strongly attuned to the Nurturing Parent, is that he or she can run the risk of being cloying and may inadvertently stifle the growth of their people by constantly doing things for them, taking up the slack and hovering.

The Nurturing Parent is helpful and caring and uses words like:

• Let me take care of it for you
• You'll be alright
• I can help you
• Be careful
• Look out for

We Need More Adult - But Not Too Much! - To Improve Communication In The Workplace

The Adult is the part of you that figures things out logically, looks at facts and figures and then reasons out an appropriate answer. In your Adult you remain rational and non-emotional - no matter the circumstances or aggravation going on around you. Facts not feelings! Think of it as the Dr. Spock of your personality.

The more you can utilize your Adult the better most interactions will progress (particularly if there is some 'heat' in the conversation). But a word of caution: If someone uses the Adult all the time they are a fairly boring person to be around.

The Adult is analytical, fact-based, rational and calm and would say things like:

• What are the alternatives?
• Lets look for causes
• According to the statistics
• If we take a calm, rational approach

The Child

The Child Ego State is the 'felt' part of you and is the storehouse of your creativity, curiosity and the desire to explore and understand. When a person is in the grip of feelings, (for example, their anger dominates their reason) we say their Child has taken over.

Imagine someone comes to you and says, 'Hurry, the boss wants to see you'. Most people's immediate reaction is for their stomach to lurch and thoughts to the effect of 'What have I done wrong?' This response is their Child ... transporting them straight back to school days when called into the Principal's office ... feelings of anxiety and nervousness at some (yet unknown) wrong doing.

Like the Parent, there are two aspects of the child: Natural and Adapted. However, the Adapted Child can be split into two further types: Rebellious and Compliant.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just felt on top of the world ... A Disney type day where everything you did and encountered just felt wonderful - nothing could shake you from the sense that everything is okay with the world? That was your Natural Child coming out to play.

You will hear someone in their Natural Child saying things like:

• Let's make sure this is fun
• It's so great to be here at work
• I'm really feeling sad that we didn't achieve our goal

The Compliant Child wants to do the right thing: polite, sociable and considerate of others. S/he knows right from wrong and conforms to what is expected. The problem faced by a person who is strongly tuned in to the Compliant Child is that they lose sight of their own needs, always looking to how others want them to be, they can lack initiative and feel quite vulnerable in the world.

In the workplace these people are seen as 'Yes Men'. Lacking initiative. They follow the meaning of the law rather than the spirit. Having many unexpressed needs the person with a strong Compliant Child may internalise a lot of resentment and one day it will overflow and there will be an explosion ... leaving everyone around that person wondering what on earth happened!

At work you will hear the Compliant Child saying things like:

• Here it is, just as you asked, sir
• Sorry, I'll try to improve
• We'd best follow the procedure

The Rebellious Child is the part of you that resents the demands of others and complies with them grudgingly. This is the sulky argumentative, authority questioning part of you.

Because they can show more initiative than the Compliant Child, if handled well, the Rebellious Child can be a good leader.

At work you will hear the Rebellious Child say:

• That's a stupid rule anyway. Let's do it this way
• Forget about it, he's just the boss, this is how we do it around here
• Let's knock off for today! It must be beer o'clock somewhere!

Communication In The Workplace Will Improve When You Choose The Appropriate Ego State

Is any one state better than another? Depends. All three Ego States have their benefits and disadvantages.

If you have ever struggled to get others to hear what you are saying or had that queasy feeling when you've cracked a joke, became critical or given a pep-talk that just didn't hit its mark, or get frustrated at why people just don't seem to like or 'get' you ... its possible that you used the wrong Ego state when interacting with them.

What You Need To Watch Out For ...

Often when people are in leadership type roles they mistakenly feel the need to use a more controlling style (Critical Parent). Certainly, there are times when this style is needed, however overdone it simply alienates and causes people to not want to be around you or willingly do things for you. If you feel that you have been using Critical Parent too much, 'telling' people what to do, there is one simple thing you can do.

Maybe you could make more use of the word maybe or could. This is a much gentler way of suggesting to people.

• Maybe you could try this ...

• Maybe a different way of looking at it is ...

If you have a strong Nurturing Parent you need to be aware that even though everyone will think you are nice and caring, you can come end up with more than your fair share of work and you may also end up with a group of people reporting to you who aren't stepping up and shining to their full potential ... because you haven't trusted them to be able do more.

If you have a strong, predominant Adult, then you are great to have around in emergencies and your opinion is often respected because of your cool head. But the downside is that you are seen as far too serious and a bit of a lifeless fish!

Finally a strong dominant Child means that you can easily spread good will and cheer, that you can be creative and spontaneous and will often easily influence people through the sheer force of your personality. The watch out is that you can easily slip over to the 'devil' side and spread disharmony, angst and selfish reactions.

Want to improve communication in the workplace? Over the next couple of weeks take the time to analyze conversations you are having with various people. Ask yourself:

WHO IS DOING THE TALKING?

Then decide if you should choose to use a different Ego State to respond to that person from in order to get a better reaction.

If you learn how to identify States (hint the ebook Understanding and Influencing Difficult People will get you a long way toward having this expertise - ~wink!) mid-stream ... you will grow your confidence and ability to make the choice to change your State mid-conversation so that YOU can lead the conversation to a much healthier and more rewarding conclusion.